Giving Up Caffeine

1 Jun

Something was very wrong.

From the morning upper shot of coffee bought from the small bodegas that littered the Manhattan Midtown fashion-scape that made me hyper aware of my tittering fingers, to the post-lunch can or bottle of soda that I drank which provided me with precious seconds full of bug eyes (just enough time to dream of being elsewhere), and finally to the evening glass of wine meant more as a red satin bed to cushion the hard fall; I was a wreck.

You take caffeine for granted because everyone’s on it, but it’s still a mood alterer.  I figured I’d feel like a 50 year old man by 6 o clock because I was getting older, but it didn’t feel right.  It wasn’t the tiredness of a marathon and it was unbecoming of someone of the age of 28.

“This is the caffeine.  This is chemical.  I  need to stop drinking it.”

Quitting things is my specialty.  Giving up coffee was as easy as giving up cigarettes or blow for that matter, and it was similarly done on a whim.

What followed were 2 days of enormous crashing.  I was like a boxer who was losing to a knockout champ.  Several times my head almost hit my keyboard at work even as the CEO stood behind me talking to someone else.  I’d felt that feeling before when I would miss a cup o’ joe on accident, but I reasoned that this was just a withdrawal stage and if I kept going then it would wear off and then…


…I don’t know what.

Fly G had entertained me with his stories.  The man can quit nothing as he is a creature of habit forming properties. “My ass just fell out,” he told me once, “cus I had so much coffee today.  Whoops getting another latté!”

I personally love to experiment. As a young thing I was compelled to try all drugs for the well-being of mankind.  There was the summer of cigarettes, ketamine, weed, acid, ecstacy and viagra…at the same time, my trifling with 50’s style alcoholism, and the summer of cocaine.  All ended as they came, on a whim, but coffee was a malevolent constant.

After my 2-day withdrawals wore off  I felt better and much more energized.  It was 5 pm after the crash when I looked at my coworker with raving mad eyes and told her “I am ALIVE.”

“I’ve given up caffeine!” I bounced up and down.

“Why?! That’s the stupidest idea ever!” she said.

“You lose one addiction and you gain another,” someone else added.

“Good news, I have given up caffeine. Bad news, I’ve found JESUS!!” I ran to the kitchen and poured myself water.  I was free of the scourge of caffeine and it was now time to reap my annoying rewards.

The great side-effect of giving up something you’ve put upon yourself is that society now gives you full leeway to become utterly obnoxious.  This is how vegans were invented.  We are now unbound from the self-imposed shackles! We have beaten nothing but ourselves, but we’ve done it gloriously and with as much fanfare as possible.

“What do they call someone who is anti-caffeine?” I asked Fly G. “A caffetenerian?”

“That implies that you only drink caffeine.”

“I’ll have to think of a new one. Caffeivore?”

My energy now is at a constant and I do not feel like death when I get home.  I have found no need for drinking wine at home to relax because of this. If I miss a few hours of sleep I can still function the following day. Instead of coffee I have taken to fruit smoothies.  As I enter a room I look down at disgust at the Dunkin Donuts super large iced coffee drinks sitting on desks and shooting up straws like mobile cancer shooting out of a dead man’s heart.

I will still have frappuccino’s on Sunday though if I go to the park and read.  No need to turn into a complete douche.


2 Responses to “Giving Up Caffeine”

  1. Matt C June 9, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    Yes…no need to be a complete douche. 🙂

    • Kevin June 12, 2010 at 1:37 pm #

      I mainly did it for the douche factor.

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