13 Jun

I was in a busy lounge with Fly G in Hell’s Kitchen when he turned to me and asked me to play a game with him in his typically nasally warble.

“You tell me what person in here has my body type, and then I’ll tell you who has your body type!’

I jumped excitedly.

“That sounds fun!  Ok let’s see, let’s see…”

I knew that his ulterior motive for asking this of me was to satiate his brand of body dysmorphia, so I looked around for someone who had Fly G’s body type and I would be very generous.  He’s a bit taller than me and slender with a curved in back and only slightly outwardly curved stomach.  A bit of an ambiguous “S” shape that suits him.

“You look like him!” I pointed to the lithe boy who was manning the tablet menu who had somewhat of an S shape to him.

“Oh nice!” Fly G said as he seemed pleased and took a sip of his beverage.

“Ok now do me.”

“Alright,” he said. “Let me see….no….no….”

Several minutes passed when he finally pointed out someone climbing the stairs.

“That’s…a woman.”

“Oh yeah…” he exclaimed

“You know who you look like with those side burns?  A young Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords, Do you know who that is?”

I looked up at my friend.

“Yes I know who that is.  He’s ugly.”

My friend stared at me blankly.

“A-are you saying I look ugly? I should shave the sideburns off.”

“No! They look good!  You shouldn’t shave them.”

I met Fly G at a Staples when he noticed my new haircut.  Short on the sides, long and rockerish on top.”

“Nice toupee!…wow it actually looks good on you.” He said.

“Then why’d you say it looks like a toupee?”

“I–I had to think of a slam!”

I walked out of my room with an admittedly avante-garde outfit (avante-garde for moi).  A pink button shirt layered on top of a blank tank top with vertical stripes, tucked into skinny black jeans.

My roommate Stoner G greeted me with a look of sharp surprise and excitement.

“FASHION!” he exclaimed

My mind: (Good thing)

“You look like a gay sailor!”

My mind: (Bad thing).

“Gee thanks, that’s actually exactly what I was going for.

“Yeah you look great!

My Mind: (I want to change now).

Fly G and I had moved downstairs as I pleaded with him. “Come on you can’t find anyone that has my body type??”

“You’ve got a weird body!!” He said, “you’re skinny but you got a big chest!” he exclaimed with madness in his eyes. “It’s like you have tits!”

I was aghast.

“Yeah well it is called having a chest, lots of guys love my body!  And at least it isn’t all sunken in like yours.”

Fly G seemed hurt.

“I–I don’t have a sunken in chest. I have a chest!  Here touch my boob.”

“Fuck off, you.” I offered in half-disgust.

I walked into the office nervous about my new haircut. It looked good in the mirror but you can’t tell unless the top troll in the office finds someway to disapprove.

The top troll looked at me and stumbled.  Good, I had him on the ropes.  He tried to find the words to trash me and the best he could do was.

“You look like that dude!  That dude from the Fifth Element.”

My Mind: (Good thing, he’s talking about Zorg. Gary Oldman in his SEXIEST role).

Okay off to a good start.

As I sat on my desk the local customer service girl passed me by and stopped in her tracks. “Wow!! Look at your hair.  That is ROCKING hair!  You know that haircut wouldn’t look good on a lot of people but it looks awesome on you!”

“Wow thanks, my roommate Stoner G cut it for me.”

“Amazing!  Also love your shirt.  Bright colors look good on you.”

As she walked away I was a flutter. I felt I could do no wrong.  The lesson I learned that day was a good one and it was this; guys are shit at compliments, and women are naturals at the art form.  I see your paunches and your tits and your bald spots and I cast no aspersions or silly judgments for I am doing everything in my power to be awesome personified.


2 Responses to “Compliments”

  1. Eric June 14, 2010 at 10:24 am #

    Jermaine, I meant it as a compliment! You embody his distinctive looks without the Kiwi woofishness.

    • Kevin J. June 22, 2010 at 7:32 pm #


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