What I Learned from Politics From The Last New York Blizzard

12 Jan

More like Toolberg

As I enter what appears suspiciously like adulthood, I try and learn on a daily basis profound lessons about how this culture works.  For the longest time I couldn’t figure out politics, specifically, how to use the democratic system.  Does one just vote for the lesser of two evils? Maybe you vote for the person who agrees with you the most?

No, it was only last year when I had an epiphany about our voting system that I’m sure will clear up a great deal of confusion among the people of my generation y.  I provide this list as a guide to people who used to incorrectly think that they were voting for a “leader” someone who would be “best for society.”  Here we go

  1. If you don’t like any of the candidates, vote for the biggest wuss: Specifically vote for the party that panders to you.  Like guns? Vote for the upstart Republican who kinda wants your vote but still kind of wants gun control.  Are you gay? Vote for the Democrat who briefly flirted with your demographic but didn’t support gay marriage.  Did your candidate win or lose?  It doesn’t matter, because if they weren’t stellar then this next step applies.
  2. When they fuck up, bully them into submission: Notice I didn’t say IF they fuck up.  Growing older I’ve learned that our elected officials are generally clueless people. They aren’t leaders, they are shells of people waiting to be stuffed by money, special interests, promotional aspirations, and a whole host of other things.  This means when something simple happens like, oh say, a blizzard, or maybe…a failure to repeal don’t ask don’t tell…fret not, as it is to be expected of a shell to simply blunder.  It is your duty as a citizen to hammer away your opinion by signing petitions and making a nuisance of yourself
  3. They will fix the problem when lots of you yell: Great job!  You know when people say “if you don’t vote you can’t complain?” That’s incorrect.  The correct term is “Vote and complain.” Otherwise you aren’t doing it right.
  4. People who don’t understand these rules will say “OMG he/she fixed the problem, are you happy now!?!?” Your answer, of course, will be “no.”  Happiness with how things are is what separates us from the dolphins. Are you a dolphin? I don’t think so.
  5. Repeat Step 2 until the next elections: If you don’t see anyone you like then go back to Step 1.

That’s it, that’s the big secret to politics and it only took me 28 years to figure out.  If you follow these steps then I’d say you are doing your best to participate in democracy.  If you are a large enough constituency following these rules then you can MOVE SNOW and repeal ANTIQUATED LAWS, it’s all very exciting.

Of course it only works if your cause doesn’t have a giant other side that stands to profit like with the Iraq war.  Still trying to figure out how to get rid of that nasty thing.

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