Things I’m Not White Enough For

5 Apr

I was reading through comments in an online music forum about how excited everyone was for Coachella and the bands everyone was so eager to see when I realized that I was not white enough to participate in that conversation.

This is like how you’re one year too young to get into a PG-13 movie or your Pokemon are too inexperienced to learn that one move that could make life easier.   I am one of the whitest Latinos I know short of being Louis CK, and yet there is a short list of things I cannot do because I lack some levels of whiteness.

1) I am not white enough to talk to another person about my love of Animal Collective .  I can listen to them from the comfort of my own iPod earphones, but my last exchange was painful

At a party

Me: “You know what band I like? Animal Collective.”
Friend: “Yeah you know I liked their first 3 albums but now they’re just so…”
Me: “Mainstream…?”
Friend: “Yeah they’re not the same.  What? Why are you smiling?”
Me: “It’s nothing, that was just the most perfect hipster answer you could’ve given to me.”
Friend: “Are you mocking  me?”
Me: “I don’t really know anymore.”

2) I’m not white enough to ever even feel the inclination to go to Burning Man.  First of all I don’t burn, I tan.  I refuse to look down on people who seem to be having fun, but just look at this dancing because I am fighting the urge to look down SO hard.

3) I’m not white enough to drink Bud Light, though I am white enough to sip red wine!

4) I’m not white enough to play World of Warcraft.  This one is a little confusing, I might not be Asian enough for this, I get all these stereotypes confused.

5) I’m not white enough to enjoy country music on any level, even ironically.  I think anyone with a twang wants to secretly kill me, even Reba McEntire.

6) I’m not white enough to idolize gangsta rap.  The only people I know that still listen to that stuff are white people. I have downloaded a Jay Z album and this remix of Miley Cyrus and Notorious BIG. I’m pretty sure none of my actual old gangbanging friends still listen to any 90’s rap.

7)  I’m not white enough to obsess over organic food.  I was raised poor, if something isn’t rotting in front of me then I will eat it.

8. This one is important. I’m not white enough to have my day job consume my life.  That’s right call me lazy all you want but when it is 6 o clock I am dropping that gig like Britney Spears drops babies.  I have seen too many of my palest friends burn out on work out of a twisted sense of duty.  Stop that!

9)  I’m not white enough to read Stuff White People Like I get it that it’s a cute “let’s laugh at ourselves” sort of thing, but I only opened it now for the sake of this post after about…5 years of me seeing their first posts.  I remember when I stopped reading, and that’s when they said “The Wire” qualified as a Stuff…what!? The Wire is a damn great show and possibly the greatest show of all time, I guess I’m not too white for that!

Things I am completely white enough for:


Star Trek The Next Generation


Hating the new episodes of The Simpsons


Pixar films

Gay sex


One Response to “Things I’m Not White Enough For”

  1. Eric April 6, 2011 at 8:47 am #

    I look forward to your followup post, “Things I’m Not Latino Enough For” 🙂

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