The War On Valentine’s Day

14 Feb
Thousands of writers on thousands of blogs attempt to approach Valentine’s day with a cynical eye that they all think is unique.

“I know, this year we’ll be extra grumpy taken on Valentine’s day. That’s a good angle!” And so they write half of their missive the day before Valentine’s and have the article sit on their hard drive until its Feb 14th and the full crushing weight of society angers them enough to buoy their hatred of the holiday and that helps them finish the conclusion to their holiday article, and they go and title them:

“Valentine’s is not for couples.”

“Instead of celebrating Valentine’s, Celebrate Galentines (ed. note: Galentine is the day BEFORE Valentine’s)”

“Valentine’s is just a scam from Hallmark created in…zzzzz”

“I’m Single And I Hate My Life And I Love Chocolate.”

Well I’ve had enough of your articles. It’s the same exact story every year. You, a huffy 20 or 30 something westerner has a cynical take on our nation’s cheesiest holiday. You love irony, you love awful premium cable shows, you love using instagram even though you claim to hate it, you love a lot of things except other folk, and you have a list of people you’ve dated as long as the great 120 chapter ancient Chinese novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms.

For the first 27 years of my life I was you. I was single and careful, knowing full well that my capacity to care for another human being was as limited as my bank account. But there was something about me, even then that was very different from you; I had no need to take a dump over something as innocuous as a big stupid holiday like Valentine’s. I knew people who found love, I knew couples, and, yes, everyone feels the pangs of envy, after all, who needs other people being happy when you aren’t?  But I’d never write something so awful as all of these V-day articles.

I’m a couple now, I refer to us as we, we go do things, we are incredibly lazy most of the times, We We We, why does that bother you so much? We’re two men, and you’d think that was radical enough, but even then some people say we’re pretty “normalized.” I can assure you that I am still plenty odd.

By the power vested in me by Eros, I denounce your yearly war on valentine’s day. Consider this thought: You are unlucky in love, perhaps, because you feel it a worthy thing to attack Valentine’s Day, a holiday so doggedly silly that even the people who profit from it can’t help but laugh at it. Consider how sweet a day it is, how all the V-day cards mention love as a universal thing and not something as insidiously specific as “be my hetero life partner and allow me the pleasure of putting babies inside you for the survival of our glorious nation.”

If you were really happy and single you’d be like me and go play video games on Valentine’s, but chances are you’ll end up with someone who didn’t read your V-day articles and, come next year, they’ll be expecting a little something on February 14th.  You will either acquiesce for your partner or remain an impenetrable wall of frown, and your partner will either break you or you will bond with them over frowning, either way, your romance will be just as terrible as everyone else’s.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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