I’m An Ex-Lefty

13 Aug

When I write with a pen and paper I suffer ink stains on the side of my palm.

This is a common problem with lefties everywhere, but I am not left handed. I write with my right hand. I am an ex-lefty. This means I used to write with my left hand but, when I was very little, my mother decided that I should be taught to write with my right hand.

I asked her about this decision and she just thought it was correct that I write with my right hand. Imagine if I had told her I was gay?

When you’re an ex-lefty you drag your hand across the paper as you write, and you curl it downwards as if you were pulling it. When I worked at a video store the customers who stood in front of me would look down and think I was left-handed. They would say how cool, unique, and weird that was. They assumed I was left-handed until I told them I was writing with my right hand. Their brains would flip, their eyes would adjust, and they would mentally position themselves on my side of the desk.

“Oh, it is your right hand.”

And just like that the conversation died.

It’s Left-Handers Day today. I think I feel about it how ex-gays must feel about Pride; here was a missed opportunity, something that was taken from me, and now I just have to live like 90% of the world lives. And it’s boring. I feel like I was robbed of knowing a small part of me. My body was meant to be left handed, but our cruel world just saw it as developing in some unnatural way. I was something to be fixed but I wasn’t fixed all the way. Now I am not just right handed, I am some monstrous amalgamation of conflicting lessons in penmanship. I can never be sure if my bad handwriting is due to my instinct fighting my body’s natural response to write with my left hand. When I eat, my loved ones frequently catch me holding the fork “in the wrong hand.” I scan the list of names of famous left handers with envy. I could have been an Obama, an HG Wells, a Benjamin Franlkin, instead I’m just Donald Trump and Brett Easton Ellis.

This is why I just type now.

Enjoy your Lefty Day, lefties, you don’t know what it is that you have.

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