Gays Behaving Badly

18 Dec

Straight friends tell me all the time that I don’t behave gay. I behave as a boy should behave (at least on the surface). We joke that I have failed at being gay, but the older I get, and the more hetero nonsense like that Key and Peele sketch that I see, the more I really want to disassociate from being seen as straight-acting.

The “masculine well-behaved” gay is the gold standard imposed on other gay people by society at large. You can have your place, gays, but you have to behave this way, you have to blend in as straight at all times.

So I just want to tell Key and Peele, the millions of people who watched their bullshit little video, the people in Jamaican media who portray “rowdy gays” as evil, that the only reason “masculine” gays exist is because we grew up in extreme conditions surrounded by gun-toting men who lived in constant fear that their heterosexuality would shatter at the mere look of a shaking ass.

I’m renouncing my masculinity. That’s right! I’m taking therapeutic reparative steps to correct my current attitudes and become the phallic-lollipop sucking feminine gays of your nightmares, and I’m doing it simply out of spite.

My straight-acting attitude is a damned blight, a passing mask I adopted because I was afraid. From this day forward I am a gay behaving badly and ya’ll can suck my lisping purple dick. I’m actually fairly ahead of the game here. I have attended almost every NYC pride event, but I’m going to need to up the amount of rainbow flags in my office. I’m going to need to buy a purse and a spare set of high heels. I’ll also need for all of my friends to start calling me out when I am acting “too straight.”  This will be a community effort, but I know we can do this.

The farther we can get from “masculine and well-behaved” the better. Hallelujah!


2 Responses to “Gays Behaving Badly”

  1. stvrsnbrgr December 31, 2013 at 1:50 pm #

    “…and I’m doing it simply out of spite.” You have me laughing. Like a little girl. You should establish a PO Box so our community can offer you material support: more rainbow flags, glitter, the complete œuvres of Cher, Bette and NPH. Godspeed sister.

    • Kevin J. January 3, 2014 at 1:17 pm #

      LOL I may start a donation page full of dildos and for all the chotchkes

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