The Legend of the Fag Hag: Ocarina of Time

27 Jan

Hi, I’m white feminism. You might remember me from such moments as when I pissed off black feminists by appropriating their work and saying Beyonce wasn’t a feminist, or how about all the times I was transphobic? What about when I pissed off other white feminists by putting a bounty on Lena Dunham fat pics?

Well I’m here to tell you that 3% of the population is gay and they still don’t hate white feminism. We’re here to correct this.

First I’ll start by parroting conservative articles about gay people, that there is a dirty secret in gay populations. You see, we hate women, we’re satanists, we eat da poo poo. We’re murderers.  I know this because we once went to a party and met John Wayne Gacy, he was a murderer, aren’t gay people just crazy murderers?

Women are mistreated at gay bars, they have to wait longer for drinks and have to endure accusations such as “what are you doing here? why are you here? Can you leave?” It’s almost like us gays make women UNWELCOME in our spaces, gays are the worst.

As gay people we are beginning to enjoy some rights, we can potentially enjoy better salaries than women. When are these potentials kicking in? When are these rights actually beginning? Who knows, but when it happens we gays will be real jerks.

I dated an awful guy who made rape jokes. Gays are bad. Check your privilege.

You see, gay men enjoy some of the advantages that men do. It turns out that gay men are men, imagine that? You would think that gay people would have an acutely higher form of knowledge based on movies I’ve seen, but it turns out they can be shitty dudes. Isn’t that wild?

[3k words about a bad experience I had at a party]

Gay tv shows are bad role models, have you ever seen Will & Grace? Will and Jack always tell Grace she’s fat and that Karen is a drunk. Never mind that the show is a farce and the comedy stems from quips thrown on both sides. That Grace and Karen call Will and Jack “fags” doesn’t really fit into this essays theme so we’ll just leave it out.

Isaac Mizrahi grabbed Scarlett Johanson’s boob in 2010, which YEAH, that is actually nasty. Maybe this issue isn’t gays vs women, but more about the lines of propriety. I’ve had women leap up and kiss me in the mouth, show me their boobs, force me to hold hands with them while we walked, and these offenses cross gender barriers. Maybe this issue has more to do with forcing people to learn to respect our boundaries, universally. We could ally ourselves with each other to teach offenders like this to keep their hands to themselves and respect our boundaries, or we can keep shitting on gay men?

Let’s shit on gay men.

Gay men are perfectly awful to women because we buy their albums and do free marketing for them, imagine that disrespect. Gay men even hired Jessica Lange to star in American Horror Story: Coven. They make her chew the scenery. They force aging female stars into roles as if they were STILL USEFUL. Gays should let the aging female stars be and fade away from existence as heterosexual culture would have it. Obviously, not hiring and writing for Jessica Lange would be the utmost of respect.

[4k words of endless wandering with points that don’t connect to each other]

Listen, I don’t hate gays, I hate gay culture. I learned that from my grandma. She was robbed by a black man once and came home straight up telling us that black man made her racist, that she had a major problem with black culture. All that hip-hop, all that nonsense. Well I’m here to tell you the same about gay people, I mean culture.

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