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Bert and Ernie being gay is as American as apple pie

15 Aug

Everyone knows that Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are a gay couple.

Bert and Ernie being gay is as American as apple pie and baseball.  Maybe we didn’t know they were gay when we were kids, but a few years later we caught them on Family Guy  and saw them being gay in a musical, and it clicked all of a sudden.  Of course they were gay, and of course Liberace wasn’t waiting for the right one, and of course Freddie Mercury was in a band called Queen and made everyone sing gay songs. 

A bunch of internet absurdists signed a petition asking them to be married (note the creepy headline use of “Group” What group? GLAAD? The NCAA? Neo Nazis!?) . Sesame’s response was tasteful, but pop culture watchdogs were overwhelmingly negative.

Bert Ernie: Just Friends
5 Reasons why Bert and Ernie shouldn’t get married

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Obituary to my Netflix DVD Queue

13 Jul

I worked on you for hours and hours, researching, looking up ratings, reviews, and I was always secretly proud of you.  You were a monument to a variety of interests both comedic and tragic.  There was the intellectual foreign fare, the bloated superhero dramas, the horrible gay movies, the smut; the pleasures hidden between your lines were breathtaking.

You were the home of films I wanted my boyfriend to see and home of all the Ken Burns documentaries that nobody but me wanted to see. Every week I would forget what I had added and you would surprise me by showing up in my inbox in your bright red and happy trappings.  Remember when I forgot what was on top of my DVD queue and an email was sent to me saying that Ghostbusters was on its way but I meant to move it out of the queue because I had just caught it somewhere else? I do.

Honestly I had two other Netflix member’s passwords because they thought I could add more movies to their DVD queue.  Netflix, your customers entrusted me to entertain them with movie selections culled from your service.  It brought us all together and made so many people happy.

But you’re gone now.

We’ll deal the best way we possibly can, by moving on, either to some Redboxes or our local video store or…hey I hear the Internet streams movies illegally now.  Netflix DVD queue, you will be missed.  MY Netflix DVD queue…we’ll always have Woody Allen’s Manhattan Murder Mystery.

Play the video now please:


RIP: My Netflix DVD Queue

2010 – 2011

Breaking Bad: Season 1: Disc 2
Christopher and His Kind
Batman: The Animated Series: Vol. 1...
Breakfast on Pluto
Holy Mountain
Waltz with Bashir
Eastbound and Down: Season 1: Disc 1
Eastbound and Down: Season 1: Disc 2
Mitch Hedberg: Mitch All Together
Yi Yi
Charlie Bartlett
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
Naked Boys Singing!
In the Loop
Love and Death
Tokyo Godfathers
The Counterfeiters
Whip It
A Zed & Two Noughts
Nurse Jackie: Season 1: Disc 1
Nurse Jackie: Season 1: Disc 2
Nurse Jackie: Season 1: Disc 3
The Mysteries of Pittsburgh
Land of the Dead
Crazy Heart
Breaking Bad: Season 1: Disc 3
Breaking Bad: Season 2: Disc 1
Breaking Bad: Season 2: Disc 2
Breaking Bad: Season 2: Disc 3
Breaking Bad: Season 2: Disc 4
Charlie Wilson's War
The Great Santini
The Bridge
Eastern Promises
Blood Simple
Miller's Crossing
Get Him to the Greek
The Rundown
Layer Cake
Russian Ark
Ken Burns' The West: Disc 1
Ken Burns' The West: Disc 2
Ken Burns' The West: Disc 3
Ken Burns' The West: Disc 4
Ken Burns' The West: Disc 5
Inside Job
In Bruges
Best Worst Movie
The Purple Rose of Cairo
The Illusionist
Breaking Bad: Season 3: Disc 1
Breaking Bad: Season 3: Disc 2
Breaking Bad: Season 3: Disc 3
Breaking Bad: Season 3: Disc 4
Police Squad!: The Complete Series

Things I’m Not White Enough For

5 Apr

I was reading through comments in an online music forum about how excited everyone was for Coachella and the bands everyone was so eager to see when I realized that I was not white enough to participate in that conversation.

This is like how you’re one year too young to get into a PG-13 movie or your Pokemon are too inexperienced to learn that one move that could make life easier.   I am one of the whitest Latinos I know short of being Louis CK, and yet there is a short list of things I cannot do because I lack some levels of whiteness.

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29 Jan

You’ve no doubt heard the big news that Egypt’s government effectively shut down the internet. Citing a lack of pornography the citizens of Egypt are launching a bloody revolution, defying curfew, and destroying buildings and looting. Regardless of whether you view the upheaval as an inspiring tale you can use to threaten the wealthy in domestic shores, or whether you view it as anarchy with no clear resolution, you will all be surely interested in the top 5 things I hate about Egypt that I’ll write about because their internet is down and they won’t be able to read this:

#5: The Opening to Mannequin

The film might have captivated me as an impressionable youth, but the opening never looked right to me. The acting is hammy and the animation is cheap. This is easily the weakest part of this classic 80’s film starring Andrew McCarthy and Samantha Jones.

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The Pregnant Problem

14 Dec

This morning I woke up to the Today show, and I know what you’re thinking, “gee that’s unfortunate enough…”

But the pain only started there. I woke up to news that the pay gap between females and males is bigger than we thought.

I thought it was already astronomically big, so I was surprised to learn that it might be bigger than that, maybe as big as a small Saturn moon!

As the expert on TV said, the gender gap is huge in part because women often take maternity leave, and the knack of the few to get pregnant reflects broadly on other females who are in it to win it.

And I got to thinking, how come science hasn’t solved the illness of pregnancy?

In the age of convenience, where I can summon up a literary work of art on a tablet named Kindle, where boredom is battled by Netflix streaming and iTunes, where people can have sex without catching diseases, why hasn’t science solved the problem of the 9 month pregnancy?

Why can’t we multiply without women? It has to be possible! I don’t understand why a woman NEEDS to carry something in her own body for 9 months and then give birth in order to preserve the sanity of civilization.  I would think in such a modern age that something that messy would be done away with.  I would hope that incubators would take over the job of growing a fetus the size of half-a-penny.

If someone told me that the well-being and divinity of an entire race was contingent on something growing inside me for 9 months and then bursting out of my dick hole, then I’d tell that person to forget my name right after I emptied out a whole bottle of mace on their face.

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