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Maybe I Should Stop Buying Cheese?

22 Jun

The majority of the things my mother taught me about nutrition were wrong.

FLASHBACK

It was the mid 80’s as I sat on a hideous yellow couch in our living room in Los Angeles.  I unfolded the small personal tv dinner table by its legs in front of me while I waited for food to come.  On the plate was my mother’s first attempt at healthy food.  It contained beets.

“Eat it all!” she pleaded, “finish your beets!!”

I sensed frustration in her voice but I also felt that I was gagging on the beets.  Something was calamitous to the palate existed in the purple slime.  As I shoved the beets away I could hear my mother sigh.  Before the beets my mother had tried to feed me the following foods.

  • Quesadillas.  A simple store bought tortilla with melted white cheese inside.
  • Tortillas with cheese on them and beans and covered in ketchup.
  • Chilaquiles. Fried tortillas stuffed with cheese and covered in tomato sauce and sour cream
  • English Tea cookies with coffee
  • McDonald’s Happy Meals!

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Compliments

13 Jun

I was in a busy lounge with Fly G in Hell’s Kitchen when he turned to me and asked me to play a game with him in his typically nasally warble.

“You tell me what person in here has my body type, and then I’ll tell you who has your body type!’

I jumped excitedly.

“That sounds fun!  Ok let’s see, let’s see…”

I knew that his ulterior motive for asking this of me was to satiate his brand of body dysmorphia, so I looked around for someone who had Fly G’s body type and I would be very generous.  He’s a bit taller than me and slender with a curved in back and only slightly outwardly curved stomach.  A bit of an ambiguous “S” shape that suits him.

“You look like him!” I pointed to the lithe boy who was manning the tablet menu who had somewhat of an S shape to him.

“Oh nice!” Fly G said as he seemed pleased and took a sip of his beverage.

“Ok now do me.”

“Alright,” he said. “Let me see….no….no….”

Several minutes passed when he finally pointed out someone climbing the stairs.

“That’s…a woman.”

“Oh yeah…” he exclaimed

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